The story of GWAR is carved across the history of this barren and hopeless planet, but GWAR themselves are not of this world… their story begins in the deepest reaches of outer space. Long ago, the beings who would become the rock band GWAR were part of an elite fighting force, the Scumdogs of the Universe. For eons, they served as thralls to a supreme being known only as the Master. But one by one, each future member of the band earned a glaring reputation for being an intergalactic fuck-up. And so, they were banished, sent away on a fool’s errand to conquer an insignificant shitball floating in a dark corner of the universe; the planet Earth. Once here, GWAR shaped the face of the globe, destroying and rebuilding the natural world, and giving rise to all of human history. Aliens to some, gods and demons to others, our erstwhile Scumdogs fucked apes to create the human race, and this fateful unplanned pregnancy would prove to be truly disastrous!
Death cannot kill GWAR. Nothing can.
GWAR LIVES MOTHERFUCKERS!
THE BERSERKER BLÓTHAR
Recently summoned from the Scumdog’s distant past, this behemoth has taken on the mantle of GWAR’s new lead singer.
NAME: The Berserker Blóthar
INSTRUMENT: Lead Howler
HOME PLANET: The World of Mist
HEIGHT: Blóthar is around 6 ft tall in his human form, but becomes 15 feet tall when he goes berserk
WEIGHT: Cannot be accurately measured
LIKES: Hunting Moon Moose, Ice fishing, reading the future in the entrails of his victims, killing, meditation
DISLIKES: Most things
BÄLSÄC THE JAWS ‘O DEATH
The elder statesman of the group. He doesn’t say much, but when he does, it’s not much! Oh yeah, and he plays guitar.
ALIAS: the Jaws ‘o Death
AGE: pi X 10 to the millionth power
HOME PLANET: Ennui
HEIGHT: 22 1⁄2 hands
WEIGHT: 12 tons fully dressed; 98lbs soaking wet
EYE COLOR: I’m not sure if he has eyes
HOBBIES: Wine tasting, home distilling, contemplating suicide
ON DATES I LIKE TO…: Contemplate suicide
QUOTE: “I’m so very, very sorry.
BEEFCAKE THE MIGHTY
It takes immeasurable mass to hold down the incredibly heavy bottom end of GWAR. Luckily, there is Beefcake, the heaviest of heavy metal bassists.
TITLE: the Mighty
INSTRUMENT: Bass guitar
HEIGHT: 1cb (cubic beefcake)
WEIGHT: Verging on collapsing into a black hole due to my immeasurable mass
AGE: How rude!
HOME WORLD: The planet Cholesterol
HOBBIES: Cooking, eating, gnoshing, biting, gluttony, chewing, gorging, consumption, devouring, dining, feasting, gobbling, gourmandizing, having a meal, masticating, bingeing, nibbling, munching, overindulgence, pigging out, snacking, and most things involving food
ON DATES I LIKE TO…: Eat (my date)
QUOTE: “Hey, look! A sandwich!!”
JIZMAK DA GUSHA
Dogheaded JiZMak is the most obnoxious GWARrior and delights in the pounding of all things, including himself! Hails from The Wide Wide World of Sports.
NAME: JiZMak da Gusha
AGE: Old enough to wipe my own ass
HEIGHT: Almost tall
WEIGHT: Almost fat
EYE COLOR: Crimson
HOME PLANET: The Wide Wide World of Sports
HOBBIES: Clubbing, BBQ, cleavage, pretending
WHEN I GET MAD I…: Smash, beat, pound, crush, slam, and pass out. Much like the blackout of a violent drunk, upon awakening, I forget why I was mad.
QUOTE: “This interview is over!”
Member of the Maximus Clan to take up the axe and fight in the name of GWAR.
NAME: Pustulus Maximus
HOME PLANET: Crust
HEIGHT: Tall enough
DISEASES CONTRACTED: All except childhood obesity and bird-flu
LIKES: Being unhappy, ripping guitar, making others miserable, anal
DISLIKES: Having a good time
FAVORITE PAST TIME: Killing for spite
HOBBIES: Hoarding guitars, drugs, alcohol, frequent masturbation, turning man against man, searching for the remains of the Ramones to add to his corpse-puppet band
ON DATES I LIKE TO…: Anal
WHEN I GET MAD I: Destroy everything within arms-reach in a blind rage
PHILOSOPHY: Why choose between dicks and cunts when everybody’s got an asshole?
GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT: Stole rock and roll and brought it back to the Sulphur Barbarinian galaxy
GREATEST DEFEAT: Eventually those bands turned to Nu-metal.
LIFE GOALS: To be alone by making everything around me die.
QUOTE: “Fuck off”
A former slave turned slaver, Bonesnapper fought in the Scumdog Army and was banished to Earth with the rest of GWAR. Melted out of Antarctic ice just 3 days after GWAR, he spent the next 17 years trying to reconnect with them. Initially an enemy, then an ally, but always an object of ridicule Bonesnapper still gets no respect.
ALIAS: The Cave Troll
HOME PLANET: A rock down by the river.
FAVORITE TV SHOW: Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman
LAST BOOK READ: I’m OK, You’re OK
LAST BOOK WRITTEN: Uncle Tom’s Cabin
FAVORITE CELEBRITY: Nasty Savage
HOBBIES: Basking on a log.
ON DATES I LIKE TO: Stay in my shell.
QUOTE: Hey Guys…..wait for me!
Loyal soldier in the MASTER’S Army. This Scumdog was built on Scumdogia by another Destructo. After several Destructos failed their mission to find the Scumdogs known as GWAR. SawBorg was sent to Earth to complete that mission and bring GWAR back to the MASTER.
Name: SawBorg Destructo
Weight: 50 Megatons
When I get mad: I get even!!
Favorite book: The Art Of War
Home Planet: Scumdogia
Favorite T.V. Show: Rick and Morty
Favorite drink: Pennzoil 5w-30
Hobbies: Surfing on the wakes of comets and smashing them into black holes, you know just for fun!
Goals in this Life: To complete my mission and bring the renegade Scumdogs back to Master and fight as many enemies deep in the far reaches of this universe! Besides he has promised us a BBQ if we do a good job.
SLEAZY P. MARTINI
Heir to a huge Mafia fortune, this ex-Reagan aide threw it all away for the “glamor” of rock management. Since his discovery of GWAR, the competition has been ruthlessly reduced, and the location of Elvis revealed.
Name: Sleazy P. Martini
Age: Thir… None of your business!
Home Planet: Oith
Height: 6’6″, Plus 2 feet for hair
Weight: 150, plus 50 pounds for hair
Eye Color: Green, what else?
Favorite Color: Green, what else?
Favorite Movies: The Godfather, Mean Street, Scarface
Favorite Drink: Happy Time Wine
Favorite Food: Kung Fu Malt Liquor
Last Book Read: How to Manipulate Friends & Intimidate People
Last Book Written: Ditto
When I get mad I: Get even
Dream or Goal: There is no number large enough to quantity that kind of money.